Trolling Yahoo Answers

I felt a compelling need to add an explanation or disclaimer: “trolling” is putting forward a fictional veneer for the purposes of pissing off the intended audience. The entire goal is to get random strangers blood pressure up on the internet. Remember – it’s just words and all of the following is false.

For the last month or so I’ve been on yahoo answers. Most of the time I’m helpful. Some days the users get the best of me and I take it out on them.

Then I realized something – the context of the question depends on the forum.

Suddenly, the lightbulb went on.

Frankly, I was getting bored with it. The forum is filled with people who didn’t like what their mechanic said so they went to INTERNET EXPERTS to get a second opinion. In private e-mail exchanges (done through yahoo’s own proxy form) I likened this to a cancer patent not liking the giant mass on the MRI and then complaining about it on the internet. You’re fucked – you got cancer.

Still, they persisted and I eventually stopped answering questions unless I felt like the person was genuinely interested and capable of the work if given a detailed explanation on what’s wrong and how to fix it. Things like a drum brake spring kit. Most people get as far as getting the cover off, they inspect the pads (shoes) and never realize the springs are what really makes it work. Failure to inspect the springs = no read brakes. Some people also really were getting ripped off by their mechanic. Things like “my car shimmies at high speeds, so far my mechanic has replace the wheel hubs, done an alignment, done the ball joint and control arms, replaced the ECU”… You get the idea. The mechanic knows it’s the tires.

But what fun was waiting. The dodge forum is filled with kids with dodge neons trying to make them fast. How many ways can I post “set your car on fire?” Another kid wanted to know how street races are started. “Usually you hold your pink slip out the window”. I would like to think there’s some kid cruising around in boston with their car title hanging out the window. Or maybe blowing along the highway after he lost it.

One guy said he was painting his IROC Z and wanted to know what yahoo thought about the color. Apparently he had painted it metal flake green and was putting cream racing stripes on it. I told him if he put a rainbow air freshener in the window there would be no room for doubt.

This kicked off the bite of all bites. I WISH I had been CC’d copies of my mail. I’ll paraphrase my responses.

From: Jon
Subject: rainbow air fresner.
Message: just cuz tahts what you have in your prius doesnt mean it will match my chevy small block 400 bored 30 over, double pumper, corvette heads, vette cam pushing an estimated 400 horses.

The only thing getting double pumped is your ass in the back seat between your brother and your uncle. Try to get one of those stick on rainbow air fresheners, they tend to fall off less when receiving sodomy in the back of the daegomobile.

From: Jon
Subject: Re: rainbow air fresner.
Message: wow, if your mind is that gay you must be a flamer driving a prius. you just confirmed it you flamer. now go have ur mister shave his 2 fist up your *

“Estimated 400 horses” is like saying you sucked “an estimated 400 guys” at the fag bar last week. Or your car could hold an “estimated 400 rainbows”. You’re the queer asking the board for color advice. The only thing you’re going to smoke is cocks in a race to the rainbow finish line.

From: Jon
Subject: Re: rainbow air fresner.
Message: nah man. it went more like me walkin down the street n ur queer * drove up next to me and said if u let me give u a ride i will give you my rainbow air freshner. then your ** ** went home and cried to your daddy as he pounded your * all night.

When I clicked on the reply link I got a generic message about the user putting me on ignore. To a user, this might be insulting. To a troll, this is the sweet mark of victory. “Could not deliver the message due to recipients privacy settings” might as well say “You’ve won THE GAME”.

Emboldened, I found a post asking what bike club the user should join. Now, at this point I changed my contact information to be false, claimed I was a 60 year old asian american from philadelphia, and when I saw this post I set my avatar to “chattering skull” which looks an awful lot like the totenkopf.

My reply was, “Aryan Brotherhood”. (I was watching gandland reruns, what can I say?)

From: Choppy C
Subject: aryan nation
Message: you guys arent a bike club! And I beat down A. B. every time I see them. Hells Angels here in Az have been killing A.B. on site for years. I would like to see you fools go to Compton and try that dumb ** around the Bloods or Crips!

I didn’t say I was a member of those pussy gangs like Aryan Nation, I’m a member of Aryan Brotherhood. We kick queers like you around for breakfast. When I drop a fairy, I’m just getting started!

From: Choppy C
Subject: Re: aryan nation
Message: aryan nation,aryan brotherhood whats the differance? You all just a bunch of *** punk * haters. go up to Newark or patterson,or jersey City talking that Aryan bullshit. You know you will get beat down or shot. Only color that matters is GREEN! money mofo! I do bidness with anybody Im a ** ol school gamgsta. Im from ***** Brooklyn!

Sorry, I don’t hang out with trash such as yourself. Color does matter, and we can kick your ass any day of the week. I might be white trash, but at least I’m white. Now you’re just making shit up – you moved from AZ to NJ?

From: Choppy C
Subject: Re: aryan nation
Message: dude I said GO TO COMPTON,I didnt say I was from there! I am from Flatbush in Brooklyn. I been all over though.I live in Phoenix Az now. You sound like one stupid * cracka! Do you even know what an aryan is? Its a HINDU thing from India.Its NOT a white thing. Stupid * nazis just stole it. Ya know I can respect pride in your race but when you go around wearing a swastica or lightning bolts you are just ignorant. I smash motherfuckers who wear that

You mean you got your ass kicked out of all those states. I understand. And Aryan means Noble, something you mudbloods wouldn’t know anything about.

From: Choppy C
Subject: Re: aryan nation
Message: first of all cracka * no dick havin white boy pice of ** mofo. Im from CROOKLYN! The Marcy projects and will ** smash your ** face in if I ever see you. 9609 N 2nd St. Phoenix Az. Just show up here and see what happens. And just so you know exactly what your dealing with I bench press 560 pounds. Im bigger than you,Im tougher than you and stop talking ** over the net,you have my address so bring it! And Im not black fool Im a white boy from da hood!

Oh you live next to sunnyside elementary school. Tell me something, you touch yourself while sitting on your balcony? I saw your queer uncle come out and get the paper. Did you tell him to go get it because you were too busy hiding in your room watching kids play through your telescope with your pants around your ankles – or could you have been too chicken shit to go outside? Does your queer uncle let you sit on his lap as he’s driving around the block to drop you off at school?

From: Choppy C
Subject: Re: aryan nation
Message: so you used google earth to view my crib,big deal asshole,if ya were here ya woulda knocked on the door and got your face broken. Any time anywhere * wipe. I bench 560,squat 500 and deadlift 800.Im a big steroid injecting bad motherfucker from the hood. I was the only white boy in the projects I grew up in. One more thing this Az where we can carry guns out in the open. I got lots of firepower cracka. But be a man and show your face.dont talk ** over the web. I fight at rage in the cage on a regular basis,can ya hang? can ya last it? Got what it takes? I respect a mofo that will fight me. can you dig that? OL SCHOOL!

You and me both know you can’t read the sign for the school from google maps*.

You wanna go? Gimme a time to meet.

There was no reply.

I logged in and tried to send him a message and got the generic “Could not deliver the message due to recipients privacy settings”.

Ah, the joys of the internet.

*The elementary school is listed as a place of interest, but you need to actually put the address into google and “search near” for it to come up. Somewhere, in Arizona, there’s a kid with his dresser pushed up against his door tonight.